Today's post is about what I have lost and what I have gained...

Today's post is about what I have lost and what I have gained...

I actually know all too well that if I hadn't lost 'My Angels' I would not have my 'Angels'.  Let me try to explain that, I have heavenly Angels the two boys that I lost so tragically and young, but I am also so blessed to have earthly Angels my five boys (hence the name of the blog).  And if I would have never lost those heavenly Angels I would not have these earthly ones, because my path was not going in that direction. 

As you can imagine the whole thought of that is difficult at best to handle.  It's picking one kid over the other, picking one path of life over the other.  I could have never chosen and do not think I ever would.

Maybe, that is where God comes in.  He makes the tough decisions for you.  Maybe his plan is something larger then I could ever imagine and I am just really a small part of that. 

15 years has really changed my view on the world.  I am learning how to live with my losses.  I am learning that I cannot change what has happened, but also learning that I would not want to miss the life that I have now.  The one with my earthly Angels in. 

It is still rough when I think of him(the man who murdered them) being out of prison.  It makes me ill when I think that he gets to live life and they did not.  I still blame myself for not seeing who he was.   

I will NEVER FORGET, but need to learn to forgive.  I actually thought I might have had that down but now am thinking I need to go back and learn how to do it again. One day at a time.

I LOVE MY ANGELS (Heavenly and Earthly)

Today

Today, I am sad. 

Today, I am thinking of how much I lost and how scared I am to lose again.


Today, I am thinking how happy I should be, I have the love of my husband, children and family.

Today, I am feeling week.

Today, I want to cry in the corner.

Today, it hurts even more then any person could understand.
                                       I want to hold them and love them.  I truly miss them my angels.  

Today, it's not fair that I lost so much and have to just live with it.

Today, I have checked out.  This is one of the things about living with depression.  Living with the lose of a child, sometimes you check out and all you feel is the pain.

In two days, I will be without my son Carl for 14 years.  He is in my heart but he is not in my arms.  Someone took the right for me to hold and love my son. 

I picture him tall, with his brown eyes looking at me.  I can see his love and smile.  But in his pictures he is still a baby. 

I want to see that little baby grow up, I want to see his smile, I want to see him change into a man. 

Someone took that away from me and now all I have is the hole.  A hole that is left by my LOVE for my brown eyed little boy with the most beautiful laugh and smile you could ever image.

I write this for those who struggle daily with the same pain, know that you are not alone.  And tomorrow will be a better day, even if it does not feel that way right now. 
          
Tomorrow, I will get up and keep going until the next time I check out. 

Its OK though, this is how I deal with it, I function most days and these days are getting further apart.  Well the ones like today, where I completely lose function. 

I will survive it as  I have survived it for the past 14 years.  I will just hug my boys a bit harder today and love them even more tomorrow. 

Mental Health not Gun Laws

I have been thinking about guns and the new gun laws, with the recent death of those 26 people in Newtown, CT and a school lock down at my children's school.  Things like this really bring the feelings of losing my children to the surface.

The day of the Newtown, CT shooting I was working really hard on a couple of tasks, after the news reported that there was a shooting at an elementary school it took all my power not to go to my kids school and give my kids a kiss.  That day was one of the days that I lost all functionality.  I cried for the children, I cried for the parents and I felt my own pain.  It was sharp and fresh in my heart. 

It did not come to my mind that we should take away guns.  It came to my mind that we have to help people like this.  As I know the hard way it is not a gun that takes a child away.  It is not a gun that takes a mom away.  It is not a gun that takes a father away.  Guns are not the problem, they do not kill people.  It is the person behind the gun that kills people. 

Every person that is in a good mental place knows that a gun is used to hunt, used for target practice or even to protect yourself from an intruder.  If guns are used in an appropriate manner deaths are unlikely to happen.

When you are mentally unstable you do not need a weapon to kill a person.

School

As a mom who has lost her children to a murder the murder of the elementary students hits me different, then the average person, well I think it does.


I do not just imagine the pain that the mom is going through I feel it, no I do not know what they are feeling but I feel the pain of the lose of my children all over again.   I remember the feeling of nothing, the empty and lonely feeling that is explainable to a person who has not felt it.  I feel the hurt that is so deep that you do not even know if there is a way to get out of the feeling.
It is true you should never have to bury a child. 


I know that these families are going to need love and support in the days to come, I am proud that people seem to be able to get the help that is needed.

TeachersAs a mom of five boys and two angels who did not experience school until her oldest of the five boys was able to start school, this experience has really made me realize what it took for me to be able to send my kids to school.  My biggest reason for not wanting to send my kids to school was a trust issue. 


I am sure glad that teachers are there for our children.  Teachers are the ones who give children the love and caring that they need when we not there and they are learning. This Friday it shows how much our schools teachers love our students and how most of them would risk their lives for the life of a student.  So THANK YOU to all those wonderful teachers, and please take the time to thank your teachers for being who they are.

Overwhelmed...

It has been to long since I have written in my blog.  Sometimes the emotions are so much I do not know what to say.  This fall, Lee moved to a town nearby where I live, near where he committed his crimes.  Anger, Fear and frustration it feels like I am dealing with the pain of losing my child all over again.  Having him out of prison was difficult, but having him out of prison and living so close to me that I could run into him SCARY....... 

I do not know what I am going to do the first time I see him (him living so close it could happen).  Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach, a knot in my stomach, it makes me want to curl up and cry.  

Part of me wants to rip him apart if I ever see him.  I think all I will do is walk away or just stand there and stare because I do not think I will be able to move.  

I know he is around children because of Facebook. It makes me sick; I do not know if all the people around these children know what he did.  I know many very well know what he did.  I want to warn the ones that may not know.  

I do not want him to hurt another child and right now I am really scared for those children.  So to anyone that knows the people he is around and you can find this out through Facebook.  Warn those people please.  

I have thought about posting things on their Facebook pages through another account, but I do not know if that would be legal.  And what would be OK for me to say.  I also really think if it is coming from a caring person a friend maybe they would hear what is being said.  You are welcome to share my blog with them if that is what needs to be done for them to understand.  

Knowing Can Be Hard...

Clay's 15th birthday came and went like it does every year since I lost him. I thought of him all day. 15 wow he would probably be learning how to drive, for scary. He would love football, baseball and I suppose girls. I know I did not get to see him grow but in my head I can see him.

This year has been super hard on me. As you all know the man that took my angels away was released from prison. It has been a lot of first time he was out when I had anniversary's that I should not have to have, with him being released from prison.

Prison is not the punishment he deserves, and I really do not think that any amount of time would be enough time. He got released but Clay and Carl did not come back to life.

And now it seems like Lee has a life. This does not seem fair, this is something that I am having a very hard time dealing with. Part of his life is a engagement, this engagement is something that is confusing to me, something I am not understanding. The women is someone I was told was a cousin of his, to later find out that was a lie. This women knows everything she was in our life at the time, she even dated him after the death of the children, before he went to prison.

She calls him the love of her life.

She has other children and Lee has nieces and nephews the ages of my children that he took away. Now, I am wondering if the adults around these children know what he did. Understand that he has the potential to be a dangerous man.

A Mother's Love

Love - Truly a parents love for there child is like no other.  It is not something that can be explained, it is something that you have to just feel to understand it.

Watching children grow is the most amazing feeling.  One day they are a baby and you are holding them in your arms, sing a song of how much you love them.  The next they are almost as tall as you and you wonder where the time has gone and if they will still let you hold them so you can sing a song of how much you love them. 

I am a truly blessed mom, I have children that, out of the blue will tell me how much they love me, or they will just give me a big hug.  If they see me cry they tell me that it will be ok mom we love you.  Those words or that hug from a child is the best drug that you can ever have.  The pain seems to melt away in those words or act. 

At the same time it is hard because I feel guilty that I cannot hold and love my two angels.  I am sure they do not mind that I have 5 others to try to fill my heart with love, but as a mom who lost the most important thing a childs love it is still hard. 

As I watch my 5 boys grow into wonderful little men, it is always still their, "Oh I missed the first day of kindergarten for them" or "Oh do you think they would love basketball?"

I guess one day I will find out all that I need to know when I meet them again in heaven. 

I Love You Clay and Carl