Today, I am sad.
Today, I am thinking of how much I lost and how scared I am to lose again.
Today, I am thinking how happy I should be, I have the love of my husband, children and family.
Today, I am feeling week.
Today, I want to cry in the corner.
Today, it hurts even more then any person could understand.
I want to hold them and love them. I truly miss them my angels.
Today, it's not fair that I lost so much and have to just live with it.
Today, I have checked out. This is one of the things about living with depression. Living with the lose of a child, sometimes you check out and all you feel is the pain.
In two days, I will be without my son Carl for 14 years. He is in my heart but he is not in my arms. Someone took the right for me to hold and love my son.
I picture him tall, with his brown eyes looking at me. I can see his love and smile. But in his pictures he is still a baby.
I want to see that little baby grow up, I want to see his smile, I want to see him change into a man.
Someone took that away from me and now all I have is the hole. A hole that is left by my LOVE for my brown eyed little boy with the most beautiful laugh and smile you could ever image.
I write this for those who struggle daily with the same pain, know that you are not alone. And tomorrow will be a better day, even if it does not feel that way right now.
Tomorrow, I will get up and keep going until the next time I check out.
Its OK though, this is how I deal with it, I function most days and these days are getting further apart. Well the ones like today, where I completely lose function.
I will survive it as I have survived it for the past 14 years. I will just hug my boys a bit harder today and love them even more tomorrow.
