Carl

It has been a sad couple days as I am approaching the anniversary of Carl's Death.  I am not sure sometimes that I ever got a chance to greive him properly, since Clay died so soon after and the world just started to spin.

Carl was a happy baby, he did have some very crabby times.  All babies do.  At 8 months old you can just start to see glimpes of personality showing through.  He would give his mom a big tooth less grin, and had this awsome belly laugh. 

When he died we thought he died of SIDS at least that is what the doctors thought.  The baby death that just happens and no one can explain why.  Yes, laying baby on back is best and Carl was layed on his back.  They say it still happens, it could happen while you are holding the baby. 

Clay was a big part of me being able to cope with Carl's death.  I would have tears in my eyes and he would do something just hilarous.  I felt in my heart that Kyle wanted to have one baby and I got the other one.  Kyle was definately going to be a great dad and he already does. 

Part of me still loves him and always will. He was my first love and my kids dad.  Some days I wonder what he thinks of me.  He probably does not like how I messed everything up. 

I do know that Carl and Clay are in a better place and are getting lots of love from all of the people who have passed before and after them.

Follow your gut...

Yep, the law is not where it should be for a child murder.

Yep, it is ok for a child murder to be around a child after he has served his sentence.  Well as long as it is being supervised and the parents are ok with it.

I am not really sure what Lee has told people including his own family.

These are my facts:

I was in the house when he murdered my children, I had no clue it was going on.

After, when I was being interviewed by the police they said sometimes it is hard to see what is going on in your own house and is easier to see from the outside.  Maybe I should have listened to those that were telling me something is not right.

There was evidence but not enough that Lee molested my kids. 

Some very funny things happened.  Lee would take 20 minutes to put Clay in bed.  I would even sneak up there and try to catch him in doing something wrong.  I had a gut feeling that I did not listen too.  It should have hit me in the face.

I noticed Clay had a swollen scrotum; Lee’s story was he fell off the toilet.  Yea, the way he said it happened and the way that looked I know better.  It cannot happen like that. 

Bruises.

The unexplained bruising on clay, all the time he would have a bruise on his forehead.  A bruise that was in the shape of a circle, often it was more than one like two or three.  Yep, you are right just about the size of Lee’s finger tips. 

I remember wanting to leave him, but I did not know how. I did not know how to leave him.

I was 18 years old; it was my house, and my kids.  He was not even their father, but I did not know how to get rid of him.  I did not want my dad to be mad that he had to help get rid of him.  All I had to do was ask dad and I did not.  All I had to do was speak the words.  All I had to do was ask for help.  That decision has cost me and cost me big.

My only other boyfriend was Kyle, the boy’s dad.  I already lost him.  He died, there was no break up. 

And the scariest thing I remember, Is the fear.

I remember seeing the fear in Clay’s eyes.  I remember when Lee punished him one time, Clay had such fear.  I saw it, but I did not see it.  I should have saw it and done something.

Everyone needs to know to follow the signs if something is not right, it probably is not right.

Look at the signs, talk to someone about those signs. That feeling will not go away, because the feeling of someone hurting your child does not go away. 

There is something everyone has no matter their age or gender it is your gut feeling follow it, listen to it, speak up, ask the questions and find out why you have that feeling.

DO NOT JUST SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR IT TO WORK OUT…. THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER; MORE OFTEN THEY GET WORSE….

Supervised?

I am still here and a little upset right now. The only answer I am getting about Lee being able to be around children, is that it is the parents decision.  It is the parents decision to allow him to be around their children.  Do these parents know what he did?  Why would you allow someone that spent time in prision for murder to be around your child?  What story did he tell them, to let him be near their kids? 

The whole idea of him being near kids makes me sick.

I am currently having trouble finding out if he can be around them only supervised. Which to me does not matter, when both of my children died I was in the house.  This hurts so bad to know that I was a few feet away when he took their breath away and I did not even know that he was hurting them. 

So to know that a person who murdered a child (ran) can still be around them is very disturbing.  I am going to keep looking into this, but I really do not think that is right.  If he can be around children even supervised, to me that does not seem right.  He should lose that right for life, like a child molester. 

I just really want to protect another child from this man.  I do not have a clue if he would do this again, but I do not want to risk it.

Life's Curves

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  My heart was truly ripped out after I saw Lee holding a child about the same age as my son.  I never want another parent to have to go through my pain and I truly hope that God protects that child. 

                This got me thinking about the path of life and how my path leads me to where I am in this life.  My Life and everyone else’s have paths, and these paths lead to decisions that lead to our future and sometimes the decision of someone else can really put a curve in someone else’s path. 

                Looking back at the road that leads me here today would not have come to the same place.  I would have never got the opportunity of meeting my five boys and wonderful husband.  For me this is a hard concept to grasp and many times very painful to think about.  I would not trade my five boys for my two angels, not now and not ever.

                I do spend the time that I need to grieve my angels, and some days are worse than others.  This pain is all a part of the grief that I am going through.  Just know that there are going to still be bad days and good days.  I have to grieve while Living and laughing and Loving my family.

                God put me on my path and I am sure he has some kind of plan.  I just have to work on finding out what that plan is. 

                MY PROMISE

I will never forget my two angels. 

I will never forget what Lee had done.  I know his punishment is coming, when he meets his maker.

I will be strong

I will take the time I need to be angry

I will make it through these days

And

I will make it out ok and even stronger

When you see someone in pain, no matter the pain; Love them and Listen to them, No words are needed. 

A new kind of pain

You know when I thought of him getting out of prison, I never really imagined the pain that it would cause me.  At one time I used to imagine that I would follow him around and tell people what he did.  Anyone that would come into contact with him, and I would stalk him to make sure he did not hurt another child. 

Today, for some reason I did a Facebook search, I searched his name.  Then I saw it, he was sitting on a chair smiling and holding a little girl.  A little girl that is about the age of my son, who he took away, he had a smirk on his face.  When I saw this picture my heart was ripped out.  The picture was dated when he was on work release, and now he is out of prison and on supervised probation. 

Parents should not allow him to be near a child.  The government should be protecting children from criminals like him.  I do not understand. 

Lee being released from prison is a different kind of pain.  I have always had anger, grief and guilt.  I think it is all rage now.  Rage that I want him to hurt as bad as I have for the past 12 years.

I had to ask god to forgive me for thinking that way.  

It is like I am living the nightmare all over.  I want my question answered, why did he take them in the first place? 

I just have to use the strength, the heart, the love that I have to make it through this very difficult time.  I have to keep going, I have to keep pushing, and I have to keep living my life for my five beautiful boys.

I never thought I would have a second chance and I do and I have to just try to concentrate on that.

Does the System Work

Lee is out.  He has been on work release but now he is completely out of prision.  He is on supervised release.  I got a whole big definition of this but after what I found today.  I am not even sure that the legal system works.  I found his Facebook page, a big old picture of him holding a child.  A person who murders a child should never get the chance to feel a childs love again. 

I saw the picture and the tears, pain and heartache all flooded me.  I am scared for any child that he is around.  I am scared for that childs parent.  Please god keep her safe. 

I hope that the system gave him parenting classes.  I hope the system gave him anger management.  I hope the system did a complete mental health evaluation.  Oh I wont hold my breathe that he did any of that. 

Here is the link to his FB page.... http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2F%23!%2Fprofile.php%3Fid%3D100003188580887%26sk%3Dwall&h=EAQF6fkj-

Do not give him satification of friending him.  I emailed his porole officer, I am pretty sure he will have to take it down or hide everything.

TEENS & SEX

             Something that has been on my mind lately is talking to our teens about sex. 

I really think if I would have had parents that did not make that subject taboo many of these things would not have happened in my life.  Do not get me wrong I would not trade meeting my two angels even for a short time was a blessing. 

A lot of my pain could have been stopped if I understood the consequences for having sex and when my parents knew I was having sex they would have talked to me about it, instead of looking away.  I bring this up because I have thought of talking to teens and their parents.  Sometimes I think the focus is on the girls, but I think that some of the responsibility should be put in the parents and the boy’s hands.  The following is how I would approach the subject; it is not an absence talk but a use your brain talk.  This is just been floating in my head and needed to get it out.  Let me know what you think. 

TAKE 24 – Take 24 hours to make that decision.

For Teens – Boys and Girls:

Do not put yourself in situations where sex could happen. 

Date in groups and go on dates in public places, go out for supper, a movie, bowling or even a school dance.

In the moment, if you are kissing and things are getting intense when you have butterflies in your stomach.  Slow down take breathe and ask the person to wait 24 hours.  If they do not want to wait then they are not worth having sex with.  They should want to do what you want to do.  Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and hug are all options that you can do without having sex.

During the 24 hours  

ü  Think; think about why you want to have sex with this person. 

ü  Ask yourself do I really know this person?

ü  What is his first, last and middle name?

ü  Ask yourself any other questions you think you should know about the person?

ü  If we wait would that be a bad thing?

ü  What if I got a disease? How would that affect my life?

ü  Can I talk to my parents about birth control?

ü  Do I have protection?

ü  What would happen if we got pregnant?

Boys:

·         Would I stay and raise this child?

·         If not do I want to be stuck with child support for the rest of my life?

·         If I stay to raise the child how would I do that?

Girls:

·         Am I ready to be a mom?

·         Do I even know what that means?

·         What is it I want out of life?

·         Is he going to stay with me?

Can you answer any of these questions honestly?  If not, it is not the right time to have sex?  Waiting to make sure the time is right is important with many things, and sex is one of them. 

·         You wait to learn how to drive, you have to be able to control the vehicle and there are safety precautions to protect you. 

·         Parents did not leave you home until the right time and you were old enough to be safe at home by yourself. 

·         You wait to get married until it is the right time. 

·         You wait to have a baby until it is the right time.

·         So wait to have sex until it is right.

If you are thinking yes it is time. Before you go jump in bed talk to your parents and have the discussion. 

 Parents and Adults:

                Do not make this subject taboo.

                Have an open door and open mind policy.  As the adult in the situation the way we react is what is going to affect their decision.  Listening to our children and being understanding, asking the questions that they should be asking themself in a non-judgmental way.  We already raised our children and do not want to have to raise theirs.  So the way you approach this is going to make all the difference.