School

As a mom who has lost her children to a murder the murder of the elementary students hits me different, then the average person, well I think it does.


I do not just imagine the pain that the mom is going through I feel it, no I do not know what they are feeling but I feel the pain of the lose of my children all over again.   I remember the feeling of nothing, the empty and lonely feeling that is explainable to a person who has not felt it.  I feel the hurt that is so deep that you do not even know if there is a way to get out of the feeling.
It is true you should never have to bury a child. 


I know that these families are going to need love and support in the days to come, I am proud that people seem to be able to get the help that is needed.

TeachersAs a mom of five boys and two angels who did not experience school until her oldest of the five boys was able to start school, this experience has really made me realize what it took for me to be able to send my kids to school.  My biggest reason for not wanting to send my kids to school was a trust issue. 


I am sure glad that teachers are there for our children.  Teachers are the ones who give children the love and caring that they need when we not there and they are learning. This Friday it shows how much our schools teachers love our students and how most of them would risk their lives for the life of a student.  So THANK YOU to all those wonderful teachers, and please take the time to thank your teachers for being who they are.

Overwhelmed...

It has been to long since I have written in my blog.  Sometimes the emotions are so much I do not know what to say.  This fall, Lee moved to a town nearby where I live, near where he committed his crimes.  Anger, Fear and frustration it feels like I am dealing with the pain of losing my child all over again.  Having him out of prison was difficult, but having him out of prison and living so close to me that I could run into him SCARY....... 

I do not know what I am going to do the first time I see him (him living so close it could happen).  Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach, a knot in my stomach, it makes me want to curl up and cry.  

Part of me wants to rip him apart if I ever see him.  I think all I will do is walk away or just stand there and stare because I do not think I will be able to move.  

I know he is around children because of Facebook. It makes me sick; I do not know if all the people around these children know what he did.  I know many very well know what he did.  I want to warn the ones that may not know.  

I do not want him to hurt another child and right now I am really scared for those children.  So to anyone that knows the people he is around and you can find this out through Facebook.  Warn those people please.  

I have thought about posting things on their Facebook pages through another account, but I do not know if that would be legal.  And what would be OK for me to say.  I also really think if it is coming from a caring person a friend maybe they would hear what is being said.  You are welcome to share my blog with them if that is what needs to be done for them to understand.  

Knowing Can Be Hard...

Clay's 15th birthday came and went like it does every year since I lost him. I thought of him all day. 15 wow he would probably be learning how to drive, for scary. He would love football, baseball and I suppose girls. I know I did not get to see him grow but in my head I can see him.

This year has been super hard on me. As you all know the man that took my angels away was released from prison. It has been a lot of first time he was out when I had anniversary's that I should not have to have, with him being released from prison.

Prison is not the punishment he deserves, and I really do not think that any amount of time would be enough time. He got released but Clay and Carl did not come back to life.

And now it seems like Lee has a life. This does not seem fair, this is something that I am having a very hard time dealing with. Part of his life is a engagement, this engagement is something that is confusing to me, something I am not understanding. The women is someone I was told was a cousin of his, to later find out that was a lie. This women knows everything she was in our life at the time, she even dated him after the death of the children, before he went to prison.

She calls him the love of her life.

She has other children and Lee has nieces and nephews the ages of my children that he took away. Now, I am wondering if the adults around these children know what he did. Understand that he has the potential to be a dangerous man.

A Mother's Love

Love - Truly a parents love for there child is like no other.  It is not something that can be explained, it is something that you have to just feel to understand it.

Watching children grow is the most amazing feeling.  One day they are a baby and you are holding them in your arms, sing a song of how much you love them.  The next they are almost as tall as you and you wonder where the time has gone and if they will still let you hold them so you can sing a song of how much you love them. 

I am a truly blessed mom, I have children that, out of the blue will tell me how much they love me, or they will just give me a big hug.  If they see me cry they tell me that it will be ok mom we love you.  Those words or that hug from a child is the best drug that you can ever have.  The pain seems to melt away in those words or act. 

At the same time it is hard because I feel guilty that I cannot hold and love my two angels.  I am sure they do not mind that I have 5 others to try to fill my heart with love, but as a mom who lost the most important thing a childs love it is still hard. 

As I watch my 5 boys grow into wonderful little men, it is always still their, "Oh I missed the first day of kindergarten for them" or "Oh do you think they would love basketball?"

I guess one day I will find out all that I need to know when I meet them again in heaven. 

I Love You Clay and Carl
 

Carl

It has been a sad couple days as I am approaching the anniversary of Carl's Death.  I am not sure sometimes that I ever got a chance to greive him properly, since Clay died so soon after and the world just started to spin.

Carl was a happy baby, he did have some very crabby times.  All babies do.  At 8 months old you can just start to see glimpes of personality showing through.  He would give his mom a big tooth less grin, and had this awsome belly laugh. 

When he died we thought he died of SIDS at least that is what the doctors thought.  The baby death that just happens and no one can explain why.  Yes, laying baby on back is best and Carl was layed on his back.  They say it still happens, it could happen while you are holding the baby. 

Clay was a big part of me being able to cope with Carl's death.  I would have tears in my eyes and he would do something just hilarous.  I felt in my heart that Kyle wanted to have one baby and I got the other one.  Kyle was definately going to be a great dad and he already does. 

Part of me still loves him and always will. He was my first love and my kids dad.  Some days I wonder what he thinks of me.  He probably does not like how I messed everything up. 

I do know that Carl and Clay are in a better place and are getting lots of love from all of the people who have passed before and after them.

Follow your gut...

Yep, the law is not where it should be for a child murder.

Yep, it is ok for a child murder to be around a child after he has served his sentence.  Well as long as it is being supervised and the parents are ok with it.

I am not really sure what Lee has told people including his own family.

These are my facts:

I was in the house when he murdered my children, I had no clue it was going on.

After, when I was being interviewed by the police they said sometimes it is hard to see what is going on in your own house and is easier to see from the outside.  Maybe I should have listened to those that were telling me something is not right.

There was evidence but not enough that Lee molested my kids. 

Some very funny things happened.  Lee would take 20 minutes to put Clay in bed.  I would even sneak up there and try to catch him in doing something wrong.  I had a gut feeling that I did not listen too.  It should have hit me in the face.

I noticed Clay had a swollen scrotum; Lee’s story was he fell off the toilet.  Yea, the way he said it happened and the way that looked I know better.  It cannot happen like that. 

Bruises.

The unexplained bruising on clay, all the time he would have a bruise on his forehead.  A bruise that was in the shape of a circle, often it was more than one like two or three.  Yep, you are right just about the size of Lee’s finger tips. 

I remember wanting to leave him, but I did not know how. I did not know how to leave him.

I was 18 years old; it was my house, and my kids.  He was not even their father, but I did not know how to get rid of him.  I did not want my dad to be mad that he had to help get rid of him.  All I had to do was ask dad and I did not.  All I had to do was speak the words.  All I had to do was ask for help.  That decision has cost me and cost me big.

My only other boyfriend was Kyle, the boy’s dad.  I already lost him.  He died, there was no break up. 

And the scariest thing I remember, Is the fear.

I remember seeing the fear in Clay’s eyes.  I remember when Lee punished him one time, Clay had such fear.  I saw it, but I did not see it.  I should have saw it and done something.

Everyone needs to know to follow the signs if something is not right, it probably is not right.

Look at the signs, talk to someone about those signs. That feeling will not go away, because the feeling of someone hurting your child does not go away. 

There is something everyone has no matter their age or gender it is your gut feeling follow it, listen to it, speak up, ask the questions and find out why you have that feeling.

DO NOT JUST SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR IT TO WORK OUT…. THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER; MORE OFTEN THEY GET WORSE….

Supervised?

I am still here and a little upset right now. The only answer I am getting about Lee being able to be around children, is that it is the parents decision.  It is the parents decision to allow him to be around their children.  Do these parents know what he did?  Why would you allow someone that spent time in prision for murder to be around your child?  What story did he tell them, to let him be near their kids? 

The whole idea of him being near kids makes me sick.

I am currently having trouble finding out if he can be around them only supervised. Which to me does not matter, when both of my children died I was in the house.  This hurts so bad to know that I was a few feet away when he took their breath away and I did not even know that he was hurting them. 

So to know that a person who murdered a child (ran) can still be around them is very disturbing.  I am going to keep looking into this, but I really do not think that is right.  If he can be around children even supervised, to me that does not seem right.  He should lose that right for life, like a child molester. 

I just really want to protect another child from this man.  I do not have a clue if he would do this again, but I do not want to risk it.

Life's Curves

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  My heart was truly ripped out after I saw Lee holding a child about the same age as my son.  I never want another parent to have to go through my pain and I truly hope that God protects that child. 

                This got me thinking about the path of life and how my path leads me to where I am in this life.  My Life and everyone else’s have paths, and these paths lead to decisions that lead to our future and sometimes the decision of someone else can really put a curve in someone else’s path. 

                Looking back at the road that leads me here today would not have come to the same place.  I would have never got the opportunity of meeting my five boys and wonderful husband.  For me this is a hard concept to grasp and many times very painful to think about.  I would not trade my five boys for my two angels, not now and not ever.

                I do spend the time that I need to grieve my angels, and some days are worse than others.  This pain is all a part of the grief that I am going through.  Just know that there are going to still be bad days and good days.  I have to grieve while Living and laughing and Loving my family.

                God put me on my path and I am sure he has some kind of plan.  I just have to work on finding out what that plan is. 

                MY PROMISE

I will never forget my two angels. 

I will never forget what Lee had done.  I know his punishment is coming, when he meets his maker.

I will be strong

I will take the time I need to be angry

I will make it through these days

And

I will make it out ok and even stronger

When you see someone in pain, no matter the pain; Love them and Listen to them, No words are needed. 

A new kind of pain

You know when I thought of him getting out of prison, I never really imagined the pain that it would cause me.  At one time I used to imagine that I would follow him around and tell people what he did.  Anyone that would come into contact with him, and I would stalk him to make sure he did not hurt another child. 

Today, for some reason I did a Facebook search, I searched his name.  Then I saw it, he was sitting on a chair smiling and holding a little girl.  A little girl that is about the age of my son, who he took away, he had a smirk on his face.  When I saw this picture my heart was ripped out.  The picture was dated when he was on work release, and now he is out of prison and on supervised probation. 

Parents should not allow him to be near a child.  The government should be protecting children from criminals like him.  I do not understand. 

Lee being released from prison is a different kind of pain.  I have always had anger, grief and guilt.  I think it is all rage now.  Rage that I want him to hurt as bad as I have for the past 12 years.

I had to ask god to forgive me for thinking that way.  

It is like I am living the nightmare all over.  I want my question answered, why did he take them in the first place? 

I just have to use the strength, the heart, the love that I have to make it through this very difficult time.  I have to keep going, I have to keep pushing, and I have to keep living my life for my five beautiful boys.

I never thought I would have a second chance and I do and I have to just try to concentrate on that.

Does the System Work

Lee is out.  He has been on work release but now he is completely out of prision.  He is on supervised release.  I got a whole big definition of this but after what I found today.  I am not even sure that the legal system works.  I found his Facebook page, a big old picture of him holding a child.  A person who murders a child should never get the chance to feel a childs love again. 

I saw the picture and the tears, pain and heartache all flooded me.  I am scared for any child that he is around.  I am scared for that childs parent.  Please god keep her safe. 

I hope that the system gave him parenting classes.  I hope the system gave him anger management.  I hope the system did a complete mental health evaluation.  Oh I wont hold my breathe that he did any of that. 

Here is the link to his FB page.... http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2F%23!%2Fprofile.php%3Fid%3D100003188580887%26sk%3Dwall&h=EAQF6fkj-

Do not give him satification of friending him.  I emailed his porole officer, I am pretty sure he will have to take it down or hide everything.

TEENS & SEX

             Something that has been on my mind lately is talking to our teens about sex. 

I really think if I would have had parents that did not make that subject taboo many of these things would not have happened in my life.  Do not get me wrong I would not trade meeting my two angels even for a short time was a blessing. 

A lot of my pain could have been stopped if I understood the consequences for having sex and when my parents knew I was having sex they would have talked to me about it, instead of looking away.  I bring this up because I have thought of talking to teens and their parents.  Sometimes I think the focus is on the girls, but I think that some of the responsibility should be put in the parents and the boy’s hands.  The following is how I would approach the subject; it is not an absence talk but a use your brain talk.  This is just been floating in my head and needed to get it out.  Let me know what you think. 

TAKE 24 – Take 24 hours to make that decision.

For Teens – Boys and Girls:

Do not put yourself in situations where sex could happen. 

Date in groups and go on dates in public places, go out for supper, a movie, bowling or even a school dance.

In the moment, if you are kissing and things are getting intense when you have butterflies in your stomach.  Slow down take breathe and ask the person to wait 24 hours.  If they do not want to wait then they are not worth having sex with.  They should want to do what you want to do.  Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and hug are all options that you can do without having sex.

During the 24 hours  

ü  Think; think about why you want to have sex with this person. 

ü  Ask yourself do I really know this person?

ü  What is his first, last and middle name?

ü  Ask yourself any other questions you think you should know about the person?

ü  If we wait would that be a bad thing?

ü  What if I got a disease? How would that affect my life?

ü  Can I talk to my parents about birth control?

ü  Do I have protection?

ü  What would happen if we got pregnant?

Boys:

·         Would I stay and raise this child?

·         If not do I want to be stuck with child support for the rest of my life?

·         If I stay to raise the child how would I do that?

Girls:

·         Am I ready to be a mom?

·         Do I even know what that means?

·         What is it I want out of life?

·         Is he going to stay with me?

Can you answer any of these questions honestly?  If not, it is not the right time to have sex?  Waiting to make sure the time is right is important with many things, and sex is one of them. 

·         You wait to learn how to drive, you have to be able to control the vehicle and there are safety precautions to protect you. 

·         Parents did not leave you home until the right time and you were old enough to be safe at home by yourself. 

·         You wait to get married until it is the right time. 

·         You wait to have a baby until it is the right time.

·         So wait to have sex until it is right.

If you are thinking yes it is time. Before you go jump in bed talk to your parents and have the discussion. 

 Parents and Adults:

                Do not make this subject taboo.

                Have an open door and open mind policy.  As the adult in the situation the way we react is what is going to affect their decision.  Listening to our children and being understanding, asking the questions that they should be asking themself in a non-judgmental way.  We already raised our children and do not want to have to raise theirs.  So the way you approach this is going to make all the difference.    

Growing Pains

            I have been thinking about missing seeing my two oldest boys grow up. Thinking about whom they would be and what they would be like. How would the people around him and I have shaped them? I am just thinking about how much I missed.

I missed Carl's first time walking, talking, going to school, growing into his own personality and so much more.  He had the biggest, toothless smile and the cutest dimples. 

 I got to see some of Clay's personality.  He was a fun little boy and loved to be silly.  He was already growing into a nice and silly person like his dad.  I think sometimes I can hear his voice and see that wonderful smile.  

In the past 10 years I had 5 more boys.  When my oldest of the five boys was born, I cried for different reasons when he was placed on me.  I cried because I was so happy to be able to try again, but I was so scared.  I did not want it to feel like I was replacing Clay or Carl.  Sometimes little things about the boys growing up would remind me of them and now as I look back I realize that is not a bad thing. 

Every time the boys hit a new mild stone such as a birthday, going to school or anything that Clay and Carl did not do.  I think about what my angels would be like. 

Now, all my boys are life older then Clay and Carl.  I hope that you understand that. 

If Clay was not taken away he would be 14 years old now and Carl would be 13, I would have two teenage boys.  I wonder if they would be into girls, sports, and good at school.  I wish I could cheer them on at a sports event, help them with those girl problems or their homework.  I wish I could talk to them just to get to know them better or even just give them a hug. 

I have the memories and pictures but sometimes that is not enough. 

In a very short time Lee gets released from prison.  I wonder if he understands that he has taken all these special moments away from my family and me.  I wonder if he knows the pain that he has caused, and if he as even felt a bit of this pain.  He took them away and they did nothing to him.

So I will just go on missing them and he just gets to go out and live his life, something does not feel right.  Someone told me this once, and I get it: 

The murder gets 10 to 15 or even 40 years but the victim’s family gets LIFE. 

A life without their loved one and that does not seem fair. 

Guilt and Anger

I thought about it today and it makes sense to change the name of my blog, from Minnesota Mom to Five Boys and Two Angels.

I am up late tonight just spent the day working on my homework. I am happy I was able to complete it in time.
 

Right now I have a lot of guilt, after hearing of the murder in Montevideo.  A girl died because a guy was obsessed over her, I wonder why Lee did not take my life.  Why did he kill the boys?  That is the question that has been haunting me since.  Yes, I know that is probably a question that I will never have answered and maybe Lee does not even know that answer. 


Guilt is a hard thing; I wonder what I did wrong, why I did not see the person that Lee was?  A lot of times I blame it on my age.  I was really young and really blind to the world.  “The world cannot hurt me” as every teen would say. 
 

After the guilt I have anger, I want him to stay in prison for the rest of his life.  He took their life why should he be able to ever have a life.  The boys are only going to be 15 and 14 this year.  There I am saying going to be, I guess I should say, would be.  You should never have to say that about your child.  Your child should always live longer then you. 
 

A Poem that helped me, maybe I should read again, I will post so you can read.

God's Loan

"I'll lend to you for a little time,

A child of mine," He said,

"For you to love the while she lives

And mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be six or seven years

Or twenty-two or three,

But will you till I call her back,

Take care of her for me?

"She'll bring her charms to gladden you

And should her stay be brief,

You'll have these precious memories

As solace for your grief.

"I cannot promise she will stay

Since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

"I've looked this world over,

In my search for teachers true.

In the crowds that throng life's land,

I have selected you.

"Now will you give her all your love

Not think the labour vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call

To take her back again?"

It seems to me I heard them say,

"Dear Lord, thy will be done.

For all the joys a child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness,

We'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known

Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand."

"Let the little children come to me and do not forbid them;

for such is the Kingdom of God." Mark 10:14

Source/Author Unknown

A little more about me....

Lately, I have been pretty lucky; I started college courses, as kind of a distraction. Hopefully, I can keep up; sometimes when I have a bad day it really makes it hard to concentrate. Makes it hard for me to read study and comprehend. I think that it is just a part of the depression that I deal with. I am on an anti-depressant; I have been off and on since the kids passed away. Sometimes they help sometimes they do not. I do not think that is because of the type of medicine for me, I think it is they do not bring the boys back.

After the boys died I never thought I wanted another child. I was scared I thought that I would just lose them again and I could not handle that pain again. Then, I met my husband and he made it ok, he made me want to be a mom again.

Gosh, not many men would have wanted to stay with me. I was very emotional at the time that I met him. We would get into an argument and I would lock him out of my apartment, and this was pretty often, like every other day. It was definitely more me then him I was really scared to fall in love. I did not want to get hurt. I had only had two other people that I had serious relationships with, Kyle who died in a car accident and Lee who murdered my children. So meeting my husband and starting a relationship with him made me nervous.

The funny thing is I think that all that made our Love stronger, because I soon discovered that he was not worth fighting with because he loved me so much and he was not going anywhere. It took sometime but we ended up having 5 boys of our own. Yes, you are right I have had 7 boys, no girls. People ask me how many kids I have, it is just easier to say 5 boys but in my heart I say, "5 boys and 2 very special Angels".

Mom is missing you today and wishes that I could hold my angels just one last time, if I only knew.

Love You, Mom

My Heart Breaks

As we are getting closer to Lee's release I am finding it difficult to concentrate, to sleep, and to think of anything else.  I have so many feelings that are rolling through my heart right now fear, anger, and grief. 

Today, I got up and read on my facebook page that another senseless murder happened in the small town that I am from.  It was a young mom and her co-worker apparently stabbed her.  All I can think of is the pain that that family is going through right now and when I hear of such senseless tragedy it makes all my pain come back. 

Murder is a diferent way of losing someone you love.  It was not in the hands of God, someone else choose to kill your loved one.   It is not like a accident where their was nothing anyone could do to stop the chain of events that caused the death of your loved one.  It is not like a sickness where your body is taken over buy a disease.  Murders have a choice to not do what they are doing, they at any point can stop themselves. 

Maybe I do not understand a murders mind, I do not understand how you can hurt another human being.  I do not understand how they can not stop them self.  I really think that you have a choice to walk away, to get help and to just love people as they are. 

My prayers and thoughts will be very jumbled for the day, and I will be thinking of that family, feeling much of my own pain.  As I do everytime I hear of a senseless murder of someone so young. 

My Story

            I started this blog to help me with processing what has all happened in my life.  It is hopefully going to be a way for me to help deal with what is happening very soon.  The man, who murdered my child (ren), is being released from prison and I just do not know how I am supposed to handle the pain and heartache. 

I should probably give you some background information. 

My name is Bobbie, I was a young mom, and I was 16.  When I got pregnant I was really blind to the way of the world.  I can truthfully say I did not even understand the basics of how it happened.  I can say I was in LOVE.   Kyle was a wonderful person, the kind of person you could count on to take care of you.  Just after my 17th birthday I gave birth to a beautiful little boy, Kyle and I had named him Clay Brian.  I was so happy, or I thought I was.  I thought life was perfect and nothing would change that.  Soon after giving birth to Clay I was pregnant again the children were going to be 13 months apart.  I guess I still did not understand how this pregnancy thing happened and I could not go to my parents to talk about this. 

My dad was able to work it out for me to stay in high school, so I was in the middle of my senior year, with one child and another on the way.  Kyle and I had plans for us to be married that summer, he was going to go to college and I was going to work.  At that time I did not know what I wanted to do for a career path.  Clay stayed between my house in town and Kyle's family’s house out of town.  He took care of Clay when I went to school and worked overnights. 

 Our life was ok, it was not perfect because I wanted to live with Kyle but my parents did not agree with that.  We were making it work though.  Then everything changed my whole life turned around. 

             On February 18, 1998 my dad left my mom.  He took us girls with him, my three sisters and I.

              Two days later Kyle was on his way home from a college visit and fell asleep at the wheel.  He passed away instantly.

My life was over, or at least I thought.  The love of my life was gone, I had a 8 month old and I was pregnant.  After I graduated high school and I had the new baby boy, which I ended up naming on my own.  Kyle and I had not talked about boys names so I had to come up with my own.  Good thing for Grandma, who helped me name him, Carl Ray. 

                I started to look for someone to help me take care of the boys.  I thought that I needed a man in my life and theirs.  That is when I met Lee (his name makes me sick).  Lee was no Kyle but I still let him in my life, or maybe he just forced himself their.  I am not even sure I wanted him around but all of a sudden I could not get rid of him.  It was not long after I met him that he incouraged me to buy a farm house.  So I found one and started to buy it. 

 Lee was also already pressuring my to have another child, Carl was not even 4 months old, and Clay was not even 18 month old, Kyle died 6 months earlier and I was just not ready to have another child.

                 One night in late March, Carl was 8 month old, I was making supper and Carl was crabby, so Lee laid him down on our bed just before supper.  After Lee went to wake him so I could feed him, but Carl would not wake up.  He looked like he was not breathing.  We were on the phone with 911 within minutes; Lee thought it would be better to meet the ambulance mid-way.  He left with Carl and I was at home with Clay, but no way to get to town.  By the time I was able to get to town Carl was gone.  Doctors said that he more in likely died of SIDS. 

                I remember the anger and hurt of losing my Carl, I started to grieve him.  I ended up starting to work a couple of weeks after Carl died.  Lee was not good at holding a job, and I did not want to lose the farm that I had purchased. 

                 Six weeks after Carl had died, in Mid-May.  After supper Clay went to bed, Lee went upstairs after we put Clay to bed, because Clay was playing and not going to sleep like he was supposed to.  I was quite mad at this because I did not see anything wrong with that.  I figured when he was tired he would go to sleep when he was ready.  Lee did not come to bed until 3am so when I got up at 6 I did not go check on Clay because I did not want to wake Clay up at such an early time.  Especially, since Lee did not go to bed until a late time. 

                At work I called home on my breaks and asked how Clay was, he told me he was still sleeping.  I thought that was funny and asked that he go check on him.  After work I went straight home, Lee met me at the door, I asked how Clay was and he told me that he was still sleeping.  I was angry that he let Clay sleep all day; I asked that he go and get him.  He brought Clay’s lifeless body down the stairs.  Clay was very pale and limp.  I was trying to get him to breathe as Lee called 911.  Nothing would work, my life was that little boy and all I wanted was for him to look at me and smile. 

                 In the weeks after Clay’s death I found out that Lee had murdered him.  My world was gone in 18 months, Kyle was gone, Carl was gone and now Clay was gone.   I fell hard into depression; Lee took a plea bargain for Clay’s Death with the knowledge that he could never be charged with Carl’s death even with the suspicion that he murdered him.  His plea bargain was for 19 years with good behavior he could be out in 13 years. 

                 That brings us to today.  Lee has been in a work release program since August of 2011 and will be released on supervised probation on February 6, 2012.  This breaks my heart, I have so much fear.  I feel like everything is happening over and over.  I wish he could stay in prison so I do not ever have to think of him.

 These years that he has been in custody I really have not thought of him.  I do not have to worry about him hurting me or another child.  That is my biggest fear, to me he murdered two children and now he is being released, and with the fact that he hurt two children who is to say he will not do it again.  It hurts me to know that men like this do not get supervised like a molester does, who is to say that he will never hurt a child again. 

Now you know the story and the pain that I have dealt with.  More to come later today is ok but what will tomorrow bring, that is my question.