I missed Carl's first time walking, talking, going
to school, growing into his own personality and so much more. He had the biggest, toothless smile and the
cutest dimples.
I got to see
some of Clay's personality. He was a fun
little boy and loved to be silly. He was
already growing into a nice and silly person like his dad. I think sometimes I can hear his voice and
see that wonderful smile.
In the past 10 years I had 5 more boys. When my oldest of the five boys was born, I
cried for different reasons when he was placed on me. I cried because I was so happy to be able to
try again, but I was so scared. I did
not want it to feel like I was replacing Clay or Carl. Sometimes little things about the boys
growing up would remind me of them and now as I look back I realize that is not
a bad thing.
Every time the boys hit a new mild stone such as a
birthday, going to school or anything that Clay and Carl did not do. I think about what my angels would be
like.
Now, all my boys are life older then Clay and
Carl. I hope that you understand
that.
If Clay was not taken away he would be 14 years old
now and Carl would be 13, I would have two teenage boys. I wonder if they would be into girls, sports,
and good at school. I wish I could cheer
them on at a sports event, help them with those girl problems or their homework. I wish I could talk to them just to get to
know them better or even just give them a hug.
I have the memories and pictures but sometimes that
is not enough.
In a very short time Lee gets released from prison. I wonder if he understands that he has taken
all these special moments away from my family and me. I wonder if he knows the pain that he has
caused, and if he as even felt a bit of this pain. He took them away and they did nothing to
him.
So I will just go on missing them and he just gets
to go out and live his life, something does not feel right. Someone told me this once, and I get it:
The murder gets 10 to 15 or even 40 years but the victim’s
family gets LIFE.
A life without their
loved one and that does not seem fair.
I was told about your blog from Beth Elliott--she thought I would like to read it as I have lost 2 boys as well....I truly admire you! You are so strong! Your right--Lee gets out and can go on with his life but you still don't have your boys. How unfair!! I know what its like to lose a child, however we all deal differently with it. It like you lose a piece of you that you can never get back.My circumstances were different of course, but the experience is stil there. No parent should have to bury their child(ren). I too would be so worried about my safety and that of my children when he gets out. You will never forget your boys and you will always think about what they are like now. They are looking down on you and protecting you and your current family. I just can't imagine everything that you have been through. You have great courage and I admire you for that!! I plan to keep following your blog!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing and I hope it helps you to cope with your feelings!
Leonda Gottwald
Girl! You are already amazing for being able to go on with life as the wonderful person you are even though inside you are suffering in pain! I have no experience in losing a child but my heart ACHES for you knowing, someone as loving, caring, beautiful, and outgoing as you has. You are on the right path though, girl! You do have 2 beautiful angels who are with you everyday. They are in the best hands you and or anyone could ever ask for. The day will come, when you will all be together again and life happily ever after. Pray for strength. Pray for protection. Pray for guidance. GUIDANCE! my favorite word.... G (God) U (you) I (and I) DANCE!! May the good Lord be with you and your family now. I bet Clay and Carl have been having the best time, with GOD on their right side and you and your blessed family on the other!! Keep loving life girl! Your are a WONDERFUL mom!! and AUNTIE! :) Love you!
ReplyDeleteBecky Mueller
Thank You Leonda, Becky and everyone else who reads this blog... Thank you for your support and positive thoughts... I really do appreciate it... I hope when you read this you know that I am writing this to encourage everyone to count all their blessing everyday.... Appreciate what you have through what I have been through... I have been able to go back to God and my angels are watching everyday... Protecting us and loving us.
ReplyDeleteThank You so Much
Bobbie