TEENS & SEX

             Something that has been on my mind lately is talking to our teens about sex. 

I really think if I would have had parents that did not make that subject taboo many of these things would not have happened in my life.  Do not get me wrong I would not trade meeting my two angels even for a short time was a blessing. 

A lot of my pain could have been stopped if I understood the consequences for having sex and when my parents knew I was having sex they would have talked to me about it, instead of looking away.  I bring this up because I have thought of talking to teens and their parents.  Sometimes I think the focus is on the girls, but I think that some of the responsibility should be put in the parents and the boy’s hands.  The following is how I would approach the subject; it is not an absence talk but a use your brain talk.  This is just been floating in my head and needed to get it out.  Let me know what you think. 

TAKE 24 – Take 24 hours to make that decision.

For Teens – Boys and Girls:

Do not put yourself in situations where sex could happen. 

Date in groups and go on dates in public places, go out for supper, a movie, bowling or even a school dance.

In the moment, if you are kissing and things are getting intense when you have butterflies in your stomach.  Slow down take breathe and ask the person to wait 24 hours.  If they do not want to wait then they are not worth having sex with.  They should want to do what you want to do.  Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and hug are all options that you can do without having sex.

During the 24 hours  

ü  Think; think about why you want to have sex with this person. 

ü  Ask yourself do I really know this person?

ü  What is his first, last and middle name?

ü  Ask yourself any other questions you think you should know about the person?

ü  If we wait would that be a bad thing?

ü  What if I got a disease? How would that affect my life?

ü  Can I talk to my parents about birth control?

ü  Do I have protection?

ü  What would happen if we got pregnant?

Boys:

·         Would I stay and raise this child?

·         If not do I want to be stuck with child support for the rest of my life?

·         If I stay to raise the child how would I do that?

Girls:

·         Am I ready to be a mom?

·         Do I even know what that means?

·         What is it I want out of life?

·         Is he going to stay with me?

Can you answer any of these questions honestly?  If not, it is not the right time to have sex?  Waiting to make sure the time is right is important with many things, and sex is one of them. 

·         You wait to learn how to drive, you have to be able to control the vehicle and there are safety precautions to protect you. 

·         Parents did not leave you home until the right time and you were old enough to be safe at home by yourself. 

·         You wait to get married until it is the right time. 

·         You wait to have a baby until it is the right time.

·         So wait to have sex until it is right.

If you are thinking yes it is time. Before you go jump in bed talk to your parents and have the discussion. 

 Parents and Adults:

                Do not make this subject taboo.

                Have an open door and open mind policy.  As the adult in the situation the way we react is what is going to affect their decision.  Listening to our children and being understanding, asking the questions that they should be asking themself in a non-judgmental way.  We already raised our children and do not want to have to raise theirs.  So the way you approach this is going to make all the difference.    

Growing Pains

            I have been thinking about missing seeing my two oldest boys grow up. Thinking about whom they would be and what they would be like. How would the people around him and I have shaped them? I am just thinking about how much I missed.

I missed Carl's first time walking, talking, going to school, growing into his own personality and so much more.  He had the biggest, toothless smile and the cutest dimples. 

 I got to see some of Clay's personality.  He was a fun little boy and loved to be silly.  He was already growing into a nice and silly person like his dad.  I think sometimes I can hear his voice and see that wonderful smile.  

In the past 10 years I had 5 more boys.  When my oldest of the five boys was born, I cried for different reasons when he was placed on me.  I cried because I was so happy to be able to try again, but I was so scared.  I did not want it to feel like I was replacing Clay or Carl.  Sometimes little things about the boys growing up would remind me of them and now as I look back I realize that is not a bad thing. 

Every time the boys hit a new mild stone such as a birthday, going to school or anything that Clay and Carl did not do.  I think about what my angels would be like. 

Now, all my boys are life older then Clay and Carl.  I hope that you understand that. 

If Clay was not taken away he would be 14 years old now and Carl would be 13, I would have two teenage boys.  I wonder if they would be into girls, sports, and good at school.  I wish I could cheer them on at a sports event, help them with those girl problems or their homework.  I wish I could talk to them just to get to know them better or even just give them a hug. 

I have the memories and pictures but sometimes that is not enough. 

In a very short time Lee gets released from prison.  I wonder if he understands that he has taken all these special moments away from my family and me.  I wonder if he knows the pain that he has caused, and if he as even felt a bit of this pain.  He took them away and they did nothing to him.

So I will just go on missing them and he just gets to go out and live his life, something does not feel right.  Someone told me this once, and I get it: 

The murder gets 10 to 15 or even 40 years but the victim’s family gets LIFE. 

A life without their loved one and that does not seem fair. 

Guilt and Anger

I thought about it today and it makes sense to change the name of my blog, from Minnesota Mom to Five Boys and Two Angels.

I am up late tonight just spent the day working on my homework. I am happy I was able to complete it in time.
 

Right now I have a lot of guilt, after hearing of the murder in Montevideo.  A girl died because a guy was obsessed over her, I wonder why Lee did not take my life.  Why did he kill the boys?  That is the question that has been haunting me since.  Yes, I know that is probably a question that I will never have answered and maybe Lee does not even know that answer. 


Guilt is a hard thing; I wonder what I did wrong, why I did not see the person that Lee was?  A lot of times I blame it on my age.  I was really young and really blind to the world.  “The world cannot hurt me” as every teen would say. 
 

After the guilt I have anger, I want him to stay in prison for the rest of his life.  He took their life why should he be able to ever have a life.  The boys are only going to be 15 and 14 this year.  There I am saying going to be, I guess I should say, would be.  You should never have to say that about your child.  Your child should always live longer then you. 
 

A Poem that helped me, maybe I should read again, I will post so you can read.

God's Loan

"I'll lend to you for a little time,

A child of mine," He said,

"For you to love the while she lives

And mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be six or seven years

Or twenty-two or three,

But will you till I call her back,

Take care of her for me?

"She'll bring her charms to gladden you

And should her stay be brief,

You'll have these precious memories

As solace for your grief.

"I cannot promise she will stay

Since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

"I've looked this world over,

In my search for teachers true.

In the crowds that throng life's land,

I have selected you.

"Now will you give her all your love

Not think the labour vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call

To take her back again?"

It seems to me I heard them say,

"Dear Lord, thy will be done.

For all the joys a child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness,

We'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known

Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand."

"Let the little children come to me and do not forbid them;

for such is the Kingdom of God." Mark 10:14

Source/Author Unknown

A little more about me....

Lately, I have been pretty lucky; I started college courses, as kind of a distraction. Hopefully, I can keep up; sometimes when I have a bad day it really makes it hard to concentrate. Makes it hard for me to read study and comprehend. I think that it is just a part of the depression that I deal with. I am on an anti-depressant; I have been off and on since the kids passed away. Sometimes they help sometimes they do not. I do not think that is because of the type of medicine for me, I think it is they do not bring the boys back.

After the boys died I never thought I wanted another child. I was scared I thought that I would just lose them again and I could not handle that pain again. Then, I met my husband and he made it ok, he made me want to be a mom again.

Gosh, not many men would have wanted to stay with me. I was very emotional at the time that I met him. We would get into an argument and I would lock him out of my apartment, and this was pretty often, like every other day. It was definitely more me then him I was really scared to fall in love. I did not want to get hurt. I had only had two other people that I had serious relationships with, Kyle who died in a car accident and Lee who murdered my children. So meeting my husband and starting a relationship with him made me nervous.

The funny thing is I think that all that made our Love stronger, because I soon discovered that he was not worth fighting with because he loved me so much and he was not going anywhere. It took sometime but we ended up having 5 boys of our own. Yes, you are right I have had 7 boys, no girls. People ask me how many kids I have, it is just easier to say 5 boys but in my heart I say, "5 boys and 2 very special Angels".

Mom is missing you today and wishes that I could hold my angels just one last time, if I only knew.

Love You, Mom

My Heart Breaks

As we are getting closer to Lee's release I am finding it difficult to concentrate, to sleep, and to think of anything else.  I have so many feelings that are rolling through my heart right now fear, anger, and grief. 

Today, I got up and read on my facebook page that another senseless murder happened in the small town that I am from.  It was a young mom and her co-worker apparently stabbed her.  All I can think of is the pain that that family is going through right now and when I hear of such senseless tragedy it makes all my pain come back. 

Murder is a diferent way of losing someone you love.  It was not in the hands of God, someone else choose to kill your loved one.   It is not like a accident where their was nothing anyone could do to stop the chain of events that caused the death of your loved one.  It is not like a sickness where your body is taken over buy a disease.  Murders have a choice to not do what they are doing, they at any point can stop themselves. 

Maybe I do not understand a murders mind, I do not understand how you can hurt another human being.  I do not understand how they can not stop them self.  I really think that you have a choice to walk away, to get help and to just love people as they are. 

My prayers and thoughts will be very jumbled for the day, and I will be thinking of that family, feeling much of my own pain.  As I do everytime I hear of a senseless murder of someone so young. 

My Story

            I started this blog to help me with processing what has all happened in my life.  It is hopefully going to be a way for me to help deal with what is happening very soon.  The man, who murdered my child (ren), is being released from prison and I just do not know how I am supposed to handle the pain and heartache. 

I should probably give you some background information. 

My name is Bobbie, I was a young mom, and I was 16.  When I got pregnant I was really blind to the way of the world.  I can truthfully say I did not even understand the basics of how it happened.  I can say I was in LOVE.   Kyle was a wonderful person, the kind of person you could count on to take care of you.  Just after my 17th birthday I gave birth to a beautiful little boy, Kyle and I had named him Clay Brian.  I was so happy, or I thought I was.  I thought life was perfect and nothing would change that.  Soon after giving birth to Clay I was pregnant again the children were going to be 13 months apart.  I guess I still did not understand how this pregnancy thing happened and I could not go to my parents to talk about this. 

My dad was able to work it out for me to stay in high school, so I was in the middle of my senior year, with one child and another on the way.  Kyle and I had plans for us to be married that summer, he was going to go to college and I was going to work.  At that time I did not know what I wanted to do for a career path.  Clay stayed between my house in town and Kyle's family’s house out of town.  He took care of Clay when I went to school and worked overnights. 

 Our life was ok, it was not perfect because I wanted to live with Kyle but my parents did not agree with that.  We were making it work though.  Then everything changed my whole life turned around. 

             On February 18, 1998 my dad left my mom.  He took us girls with him, my three sisters and I.

              Two days later Kyle was on his way home from a college visit and fell asleep at the wheel.  He passed away instantly.

My life was over, or at least I thought.  The love of my life was gone, I had a 8 month old and I was pregnant.  After I graduated high school and I had the new baby boy, which I ended up naming on my own.  Kyle and I had not talked about boys names so I had to come up with my own.  Good thing for Grandma, who helped me name him, Carl Ray. 

                I started to look for someone to help me take care of the boys.  I thought that I needed a man in my life and theirs.  That is when I met Lee (his name makes me sick).  Lee was no Kyle but I still let him in my life, or maybe he just forced himself their.  I am not even sure I wanted him around but all of a sudden I could not get rid of him.  It was not long after I met him that he incouraged me to buy a farm house.  So I found one and started to buy it. 

 Lee was also already pressuring my to have another child, Carl was not even 4 months old, and Clay was not even 18 month old, Kyle died 6 months earlier and I was just not ready to have another child.

                 One night in late March, Carl was 8 month old, I was making supper and Carl was crabby, so Lee laid him down on our bed just before supper.  After Lee went to wake him so I could feed him, but Carl would not wake up.  He looked like he was not breathing.  We were on the phone with 911 within minutes; Lee thought it would be better to meet the ambulance mid-way.  He left with Carl and I was at home with Clay, but no way to get to town.  By the time I was able to get to town Carl was gone.  Doctors said that he more in likely died of SIDS. 

                I remember the anger and hurt of losing my Carl, I started to grieve him.  I ended up starting to work a couple of weeks after Carl died.  Lee was not good at holding a job, and I did not want to lose the farm that I had purchased. 

                 Six weeks after Carl had died, in Mid-May.  After supper Clay went to bed, Lee went upstairs after we put Clay to bed, because Clay was playing and not going to sleep like he was supposed to.  I was quite mad at this because I did not see anything wrong with that.  I figured when he was tired he would go to sleep when he was ready.  Lee did not come to bed until 3am so when I got up at 6 I did not go check on Clay because I did not want to wake Clay up at such an early time.  Especially, since Lee did not go to bed until a late time. 

                At work I called home on my breaks and asked how Clay was, he told me he was still sleeping.  I thought that was funny and asked that he go check on him.  After work I went straight home, Lee met me at the door, I asked how Clay was and he told me that he was still sleeping.  I was angry that he let Clay sleep all day; I asked that he go and get him.  He brought Clay’s lifeless body down the stairs.  Clay was very pale and limp.  I was trying to get him to breathe as Lee called 911.  Nothing would work, my life was that little boy and all I wanted was for him to look at me and smile. 

                 In the weeks after Clay’s death I found out that Lee had murdered him.  My world was gone in 18 months, Kyle was gone, Carl was gone and now Clay was gone.   I fell hard into depression; Lee took a plea bargain for Clay’s Death with the knowledge that he could never be charged with Carl’s death even with the suspicion that he murdered him.  His plea bargain was for 19 years with good behavior he could be out in 13 years. 

                 That brings us to today.  Lee has been in a work release program since August of 2011 and will be released on supervised probation on February 6, 2012.  This breaks my heart, I have so much fear.  I feel like everything is happening over and over.  I wish he could stay in prison so I do not ever have to think of him.

 These years that he has been in custody I really have not thought of him.  I do not have to worry about him hurting me or another child.  That is my biggest fear, to me he murdered two children and now he is being released, and with the fact that he hurt two children who is to say he will not do it again.  It hurts me to know that men like this do not get supervised like a molester does, who is to say that he will never hurt a child again. 

Now you know the story and the pain that I have dealt with.  More to come later today is ok but what will tomorrow bring, that is my question.