Today

Today, I am sad. 

Today, I am thinking of how much I lost and how scared I am to lose again.


Today, I am thinking how happy I should be, I have the love of my husband, children and family.

Today, I am feeling week.

Today, I want to cry in the corner.

Today, it hurts even more then any person could understand.
                                       I want to hold them and love them.  I truly miss them my angels.  

Today, it's not fair that I lost so much and have to just live with it.

Today, I have checked out.  This is one of the things about living with depression.  Living with the lose of a child, sometimes you check out and all you feel is the pain.

In two days, I will be without my son Carl for 14 years.  He is in my heart but he is not in my arms.  Someone took the right for me to hold and love my son. 

I picture him tall, with his brown eyes looking at me.  I can see his love and smile.  But in his pictures he is still a baby. 

I want to see that little baby grow up, I want to see his smile, I want to see him change into a man. 

Someone took that away from me and now all I have is the hole.  A hole that is left by my LOVE for my brown eyed little boy with the most beautiful laugh and smile you could ever image.

I write this for those who struggle daily with the same pain, know that you are not alone.  And tomorrow will be a better day, even if it does not feel that way right now. 
          
Tomorrow, I will get up and keep going until the next time I check out. 

Its OK though, this is how I deal with it, I function most days and these days are getting further apart.  Well the ones like today, where I completely lose function. 

I will survive it as  I have survived it for the past 14 years.  I will just hug my boys a bit harder today and love them even more tomorrow. 

Mental Health not Gun Laws

I have been thinking about guns and the new gun laws, with the recent death of those 26 people in Newtown, CT and a school lock down at my children's school.  Things like this really bring the feelings of losing my children to the surface.

The day of the Newtown, CT shooting I was working really hard on a couple of tasks, after the news reported that there was a shooting at an elementary school it took all my power not to go to my kids school and give my kids a kiss.  That day was one of the days that I lost all functionality.  I cried for the children, I cried for the parents and I felt my own pain.  It was sharp and fresh in my heart. 

It did not come to my mind that we should take away guns.  It came to my mind that we have to help people like this.  As I know the hard way it is not a gun that takes a child away.  It is not a gun that takes a mom away.  It is not a gun that takes a father away.  Guns are not the problem, they do not kill people.  It is the person behind the gun that kills people. 

Every person that is in a good mental place knows that a gun is used to hunt, used for target practice or even to protect yourself from an intruder.  If guns are used in an appropriate manner deaths are unlikely to happen.

When you are mentally unstable you do not need a weapon to kill a person.