Carl

It has been a sad couple days as I am approaching the anniversary of Carl's Death.  I am not sure sometimes that I ever got a chance to greive him properly, since Clay died so soon after and the world just started to spin.

Carl was a happy baby, he did have some very crabby times.  All babies do.  At 8 months old you can just start to see glimpes of personality showing through.  He would give his mom a big tooth less grin, and had this awsome belly laugh. 

When he died we thought he died of SIDS at least that is what the doctors thought.  The baby death that just happens and no one can explain why.  Yes, laying baby on back is best and Carl was layed on his back.  They say it still happens, it could happen while you are holding the baby. 

Clay was a big part of me being able to cope with Carl's death.  I would have tears in my eyes and he would do something just hilarous.  I felt in my heart that Kyle wanted to have one baby and I got the other one.  Kyle was definately going to be a great dad and he already does. 

Part of me still loves him and always will. He was my first love and my kids dad.  Some days I wonder what he thinks of me.  He probably does not like how I messed everything up. 

I do know that Carl and Clay are in a better place and are getting lots of love from all of the people who have passed before and after them.

Follow your gut...

Yep, the law is not where it should be for a child murder.

Yep, it is ok for a child murder to be around a child after he has served his sentence.  Well as long as it is being supervised and the parents are ok with it.

I am not really sure what Lee has told people including his own family.

These are my facts:

I was in the house when he murdered my children, I had no clue it was going on.

After, when I was being interviewed by the police they said sometimes it is hard to see what is going on in your own house and is easier to see from the outside.  Maybe I should have listened to those that were telling me something is not right.

There was evidence but not enough that Lee molested my kids. 

Some very funny things happened.  Lee would take 20 minutes to put Clay in bed.  I would even sneak up there and try to catch him in doing something wrong.  I had a gut feeling that I did not listen too.  It should have hit me in the face.

I noticed Clay had a swollen scrotum; Lee’s story was he fell off the toilet.  Yea, the way he said it happened and the way that looked I know better.  It cannot happen like that. 

Bruises.

The unexplained bruising on clay, all the time he would have a bruise on his forehead.  A bruise that was in the shape of a circle, often it was more than one like two or three.  Yep, you are right just about the size of Lee’s finger tips. 

I remember wanting to leave him, but I did not know how. I did not know how to leave him.

I was 18 years old; it was my house, and my kids.  He was not even their father, but I did not know how to get rid of him.  I did not want my dad to be mad that he had to help get rid of him.  All I had to do was ask dad and I did not.  All I had to do was speak the words.  All I had to do was ask for help.  That decision has cost me and cost me big.

My only other boyfriend was Kyle, the boy’s dad.  I already lost him.  He died, there was no break up. 

And the scariest thing I remember, Is the fear.

I remember seeing the fear in Clay’s eyes.  I remember when Lee punished him one time, Clay had such fear.  I saw it, but I did not see it.  I should have saw it and done something.

Everyone needs to know to follow the signs if something is not right, it probably is not right.

Look at the signs, talk to someone about those signs. That feeling will not go away, because the feeling of someone hurting your child does not go away. 

There is something everyone has no matter their age or gender it is your gut feeling follow it, listen to it, speak up, ask the questions and find out why you have that feeling.

DO NOT JUST SIT BACK AND WAIT FOR IT TO WORK OUT…. THINGS WILL NOT GET BETTER; MORE OFTEN THEY GET WORSE….