A new kind of pain

You know when I thought of him getting out of prison, I never really imagined the pain that it would cause me.  At one time I used to imagine that I would follow him around and tell people what he did.  Anyone that would come into contact with him, and I would stalk him to make sure he did not hurt another child. 

Today, for some reason I did a Facebook search, I searched his name.  Then I saw it, he was sitting on a chair smiling and holding a little girl.  A little girl that is about the age of my son, who he took away, he had a smirk on his face.  When I saw this picture my heart was ripped out.  The picture was dated when he was on work release, and now he is out of prison and on supervised probation. 

Parents should not allow him to be near a child.  The government should be protecting children from criminals like him.  I do not understand. 

Lee being released from prison is a different kind of pain.  I have always had anger, grief and guilt.  I think it is all rage now.  Rage that I want him to hurt as bad as I have for the past 12 years.

I had to ask god to forgive me for thinking that way.  

It is like I am living the nightmare all over.  I want my question answered, why did he take them in the first place? 

I just have to use the strength, the heart, the love that I have to make it through this very difficult time.  I have to keep going, I have to keep pushing, and I have to keep living my life for my five beautiful boys.

I never thought I would have a second chance and I do and I have to just try to concentrate on that.