Supervised?

I am still here and a little upset right now. The only answer I am getting about Lee being able to be around children, is that it is the parents decision.  It is the parents decision to allow him to be around their children.  Do these parents know what he did?  Why would you allow someone that spent time in prision for murder to be around your child?  What story did he tell them, to let him be near their kids? 

The whole idea of him being near kids makes me sick.

I am currently having trouble finding out if he can be around them only supervised. Which to me does not matter, when both of my children died I was in the house.  This hurts so bad to know that I was a few feet away when he took their breath away and I did not even know that he was hurting them. 

So to know that a person who murdered a child (ran) can still be around them is very disturbing.  I am going to keep looking into this, but I really do not think that is right.  If he can be around children even supervised, to me that does not seem right.  He should lose that right for life, like a child molester. 

I just really want to protect another child from this man.  I do not have a clue if he would do this again, but I do not want to risk it.

Life's Curves

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  My heart was truly ripped out after I saw Lee holding a child about the same age as my son.  I never want another parent to have to go through my pain and I truly hope that God protects that child. 

                This got me thinking about the path of life and how my path leads me to where I am in this life.  My Life and everyone else’s have paths, and these paths lead to decisions that lead to our future and sometimes the decision of someone else can really put a curve in someone else’s path. 

                Looking back at the road that leads me here today would not have come to the same place.  I would have never got the opportunity of meeting my five boys and wonderful husband.  For me this is a hard concept to grasp and many times very painful to think about.  I would not trade my five boys for my two angels, not now and not ever.

                I do spend the time that I need to grieve my angels, and some days are worse than others.  This pain is all a part of the grief that I am going through.  Just know that there are going to still be bad days and good days.  I have to grieve while Living and laughing and Loving my family.

                God put me on my path and I am sure he has some kind of plan.  I just have to work on finding out what that plan is. 

                MY PROMISE

I will never forget my two angels. 

I will never forget what Lee had done.  I know his punishment is coming, when he meets his maker.

I will be strong

I will take the time I need to be angry

I will make it through these days

And

I will make it out ok and even stronger

When you see someone in pain, no matter the pain; Love them and Listen to them, No words are needed. 

A new kind of pain

You know when I thought of him getting out of prison, I never really imagined the pain that it would cause me.  At one time I used to imagine that I would follow him around and tell people what he did.  Anyone that would come into contact with him, and I would stalk him to make sure he did not hurt another child. 

Today, for some reason I did a Facebook search, I searched his name.  Then I saw it, he was sitting on a chair smiling and holding a little girl.  A little girl that is about the age of my son, who he took away, he had a smirk on his face.  When I saw this picture my heart was ripped out.  The picture was dated when he was on work release, and now he is out of prison and on supervised probation. 

Parents should not allow him to be near a child.  The government should be protecting children from criminals like him.  I do not understand. 

Lee being released from prison is a different kind of pain.  I have always had anger, grief and guilt.  I think it is all rage now.  Rage that I want him to hurt as bad as I have for the past 12 years.

I had to ask god to forgive me for thinking that way.  

It is like I am living the nightmare all over.  I want my question answered, why did he take them in the first place? 

I just have to use the strength, the heart, the love that I have to make it through this very difficult time.  I have to keep going, I have to keep pushing, and I have to keep living my life for my five beautiful boys.

I never thought I would have a second chance and I do and I have to just try to concentrate on that.

Does the System Work

Lee is out.  He has been on work release but now he is completely out of prision.  He is on supervised release.  I got a whole big definition of this but after what I found today.  I am not even sure that the legal system works.  I found his Facebook page, a big old picture of him holding a child.  A person who murders a child should never get the chance to feel a childs love again. 

I saw the picture and the tears, pain and heartache all flooded me.  I am scared for any child that he is around.  I am scared for that childs parent.  Please god keep her safe. 

I hope that the system gave him parenting classes.  I hope the system gave him anger management.  I hope the system did a complete mental health evaluation.  Oh I wont hold my breathe that he did any of that. 

Here is the link to his FB page.... http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2F%23!%2Fprofile.php%3Fid%3D100003188580887%26sk%3Dwall&h=EAQF6fkj-

Do not give him satification of friending him.  I emailed his porole officer, I am pretty sure he will have to take it down or hide everything.

TEENS & SEX

             Something that has been on my mind lately is talking to our teens about sex. 

I really think if I would have had parents that did not make that subject taboo many of these things would not have happened in my life.  Do not get me wrong I would not trade meeting my two angels even for a short time was a blessing. 

A lot of my pain could have been stopped if I understood the consequences for having sex and when my parents knew I was having sex they would have talked to me about it, instead of looking away.  I bring this up because I have thought of talking to teens and their parents.  Sometimes I think the focus is on the girls, but I think that some of the responsibility should be put in the parents and the boy’s hands.  The following is how I would approach the subject; it is not an absence talk but a use your brain talk.  This is just been floating in my head and needed to get it out.  Let me know what you think. 

TAKE 24 – Take 24 hours to make that decision.

For Teens – Boys and Girls:

Do not put yourself in situations where sex could happen. 

Date in groups and go on dates in public places, go out for supper, a movie, bowling or even a school dance.

In the moment, if you are kissing and things are getting intense when you have butterflies in your stomach.  Slow down take breathe and ask the person to wait 24 hours.  If they do not want to wait then they are not worth having sex with.  They should want to do what you want to do.  Kiss, hold hands, cuddle and hug are all options that you can do without having sex.

During the 24 hours  

ü  Think; think about why you want to have sex with this person. 

ü  Ask yourself do I really know this person?

ü  What is his first, last and middle name?

ü  Ask yourself any other questions you think you should know about the person?

ü  If we wait would that be a bad thing?

ü  What if I got a disease? How would that affect my life?

ü  Can I talk to my parents about birth control?

ü  Do I have protection?

ü  What would happen if we got pregnant?

Boys:

·         Would I stay and raise this child?

·         If not do I want to be stuck with child support for the rest of my life?

·         If I stay to raise the child how would I do that?

Girls:

·         Am I ready to be a mom?

·         Do I even know what that means?

·         What is it I want out of life?

·         Is he going to stay with me?

Can you answer any of these questions honestly?  If not, it is not the right time to have sex?  Waiting to make sure the time is right is important with many things, and sex is one of them. 

·         You wait to learn how to drive, you have to be able to control the vehicle and there are safety precautions to protect you. 

·         Parents did not leave you home until the right time and you were old enough to be safe at home by yourself. 

·         You wait to get married until it is the right time. 

·         You wait to have a baby until it is the right time.

·         So wait to have sex until it is right.

If you are thinking yes it is time. Before you go jump in bed talk to your parents and have the discussion. 

 Parents and Adults:

                Do not make this subject taboo.

                Have an open door and open mind policy.  As the adult in the situation the way we react is what is going to affect their decision.  Listening to our children and being understanding, asking the questions that they should be asking themself in a non-judgmental way.  We already raised our children and do not want to have to raise theirs.  So the way you approach this is going to make all the difference.    

Growing Pains

            I have been thinking about missing seeing my two oldest boys grow up. Thinking about whom they would be and what they would be like. How would the people around him and I have shaped them? I am just thinking about how much I missed.

I missed Carl's first time walking, talking, going to school, growing into his own personality and so much more.  He had the biggest, toothless smile and the cutest dimples. 

 I got to see some of Clay's personality.  He was a fun little boy and loved to be silly.  He was already growing into a nice and silly person like his dad.  I think sometimes I can hear his voice and see that wonderful smile.  

In the past 10 years I had 5 more boys.  When my oldest of the five boys was born, I cried for different reasons when he was placed on me.  I cried because I was so happy to be able to try again, but I was so scared.  I did not want it to feel like I was replacing Clay or Carl.  Sometimes little things about the boys growing up would remind me of them and now as I look back I realize that is not a bad thing. 

Every time the boys hit a new mild stone such as a birthday, going to school or anything that Clay and Carl did not do.  I think about what my angels would be like. 

Now, all my boys are life older then Clay and Carl.  I hope that you understand that. 

If Clay was not taken away he would be 14 years old now and Carl would be 13, I would have two teenage boys.  I wonder if they would be into girls, sports, and good at school.  I wish I could cheer them on at a sports event, help them with those girl problems or their homework.  I wish I could talk to them just to get to know them better or even just give them a hug. 

I have the memories and pictures but sometimes that is not enough. 

In a very short time Lee gets released from prison.  I wonder if he understands that he has taken all these special moments away from my family and me.  I wonder if he knows the pain that he has caused, and if he as even felt a bit of this pain.  He took them away and they did nothing to him.

So I will just go on missing them and he just gets to go out and live his life, something does not feel right.  Someone told me this once, and I get it: 

The murder gets 10 to 15 or even 40 years but the victim’s family gets LIFE. 

A life without their loved one and that does not seem fair. 

Guilt and Anger

I thought about it today and it makes sense to change the name of my blog, from Minnesota Mom to Five Boys and Two Angels.

I am up late tonight just spent the day working on my homework. I am happy I was able to complete it in time.
 

Right now I have a lot of guilt, after hearing of the murder in Montevideo.  A girl died because a guy was obsessed over her, I wonder why Lee did not take my life.  Why did he kill the boys?  That is the question that has been haunting me since.  Yes, I know that is probably a question that I will never have answered and maybe Lee does not even know that answer. 


Guilt is a hard thing; I wonder what I did wrong, why I did not see the person that Lee was?  A lot of times I blame it on my age.  I was really young and really blind to the world.  “The world cannot hurt me” as every teen would say. 
 

After the guilt I have anger, I want him to stay in prison for the rest of his life.  He took their life why should he be able to ever have a life.  The boys are only going to be 15 and 14 this year.  There I am saying going to be, I guess I should say, would be.  You should never have to say that about your child.  Your child should always live longer then you. 
 

A Poem that helped me, maybe I should read again, I will post so you can read.

God's Loan

"I'll lend to you for a little time,

A child of mine," He said,

"For you to love the while she lives

And mourn for when she's dead.

"It may be six or seven years

Or twenty-two or three,

But will you till I call her back,

Take care of her for me?

"She'll bring her charms to gladden you

And should her stay be brief,

You'll have these precious memories

As solace for your grief.

"I cannot promise she will stay

Since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught down there

I want this child to learn.

"I've looked this world over,

In my search for teachers true.

In the crowds that throng life's land,

I have selected you.

"Now will you give her all your love

Not think the labour vain,

Nor hate me when I come to call

To take her back again?"

It seems to me I heard them say,

"Dear Lord, thy will be done.

For all the joys a child shall bring,

The risk of grief we'll run.

"We'll shelter her with tenderness,

We'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known

Forever grateful stay.

"And should the angels call for him

Much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes

And try to understand."

"Let the little children come to me and do not forbid them;

for such is the Kingdom of God." Mark 10:14

Source/Author Unknown